onmyway2u

The Rescue

2011-10-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

I was reminded this morning of how we all need rescue at different times in our lives, and how easy it is to take my eyes off of Jesus and forget He's there for me. It's easy to think I can do this alone when I really can't. Especially in times when I'm drowning. It brings to mind the passage from the Gospel of Matthew (14:22-33). In this passage we find Jesus asking for Peter to come to Him across the water. It's when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus that he began drowning. Some people look at this as the moment Peter lost faith, but I like to look at this as the moment Peter had the most faith. Peter could have called out to anyone in the boat to help him, but instead he called out to Jesus. At times I'm going to lose my focus in this life but the thing that will remain the same is that Christ is my savior, redeemer and rescuer. That will never change.
Listen to "The Rescue" By Adam Cappa below.

Peace.

Am I living my life as a response to God?

2011-10-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

That's God with a capital 'G'. This was the question that was posed to me by my pastor this past Sunday. Of course after some thought, this seemingly simple question becomes more complex. It invites me to ask other questions of myself; What is it that God really wants of me? What does it truly take to follow Christ today? Am I serving God or working against Him? These questions are calling me to look within.

If I'm being called to produce the "fruits of the kingdom" (John 15:16), it begs the question, what is kingdom fruit? or what does God want from me? The bible gives us some clues of course;

"... the kingdom of God is not food and drink but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." (Rom. 14:17)

"... the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Gal. 5:22)

I believe that God wants to produce the qualities of Jesus Christ in the midst of my community of faith. I am called by God to be a place where people find -- love, joy, peace, patience... and all the rest.

Ok, so now the tough question; Does my life reflect the "fruits of the kingdom?" Do I have a reputation for, "... love, joy, peace, patience..."

I truly need to reflect on this now. I had never thought of myself as anything but a faithful servant of God. I hope you have some questions to ask yourself. Questions like:

Is my life in a place where God is able to grow love, joy, patience and all those things that make up the fruit of the kingdom?

Peace.

Stuck Between Death and Hope pt. 1

2011-10-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

I know that sounds pretty ominous but it's where I was a number of years ago. The reason I bring it up is because a very dear friend of mine is on a similar journey to me and she is stuck in that same place. Walking through the valley of death. Looking back it was a shame that I spent so much time in that valley, but it was the valley that made me who I am. It's because of that time there that I've been able to reach the mountain peaks. It wasn't easy.

The first thing to realize is that there is no timetable. This was really frustrating to me. I kept saying to myself, "this should be over by now", or "why is my suffering lasting this long", especially in light of God being in my life. I mean if God is involved the process should be brief and not too messy right? wrong. Coming to terms with that is difficult. The kind of deep healing that I needed, the almost supernatural change that I required was to take years of struggle, trial and error and finally in my case, growing in strength to move beyond the valley.

The person I was in this valley was not a nice person. That person was a direct reflection of the boundaries that I put up to protect myself from any further abuse and pain. The boundaries put distance between myself and anyone that wanted to have a relationship with me. It prevented me from experiencing and really enjoying life. What I've learned is that my capacity to give to others out of the depths of my soul is pretty awesome. I'll say it again, the path was long and hard, but I grew and became the person I wanted to be.

The path required a lot but it can be boiled down to 3 things;

Honesty: My commitment to see reality as it is, without distorting it, without minimizing it and here's a key, without spiritualizing it. People say that truth frees the soul, and they are absolutely right. Here are 8 truths that I had to repeat a million times, many times out loud in order to really get it.

I have been abused
I am a victim of a crime against my body AND soul
As a victim, I am not in any way responsible for the crime, no matter what I might have experienced or gained as a result of the abuse
Abuse has damaged my soul
The damage is due to the interweaving dynamics of powerlessness, betrayal, and ambivalence
My damage is different from others' in extent, intensity, and consequences, but it is worthy to be worked through no matter what has occurred
It's going to take time to deal with the internal wounds, this process can't be hurried
I MUST NOT keep a veil of secrecy and shame over my past, BUT I am not required to share my past with anyone I feel untrustworthy or insensitive.

Through my honesty I came to realize that my "coping" mechanisms, while appropriate and needed as a child, didn't make sense any longer as an adult. These coping mechanisms were preventing me from deeply entering into relationship with anyone that I was being called to love. It was draining my soul of any joy. It was also through this honesty that I had to come to terms with who I was as I related to other people. Was I the Good Guy, the tough Guy, the party guy? and which of these was I with who? This type of honesty helped me see life from a larger point of view, which can be very useful.

This process I went through was painful but needed and it started with openness. Approaching my memories with an open heart. Those memories seem to require a response which was to acknowledge the truth of the memories. A major turning point for me was when I moved into those dead and painful areas and basically just decided that I couldn't settle any longer for how my life has been. I wanted to deal with it. I think the key here is it can't be rushed or required. It kind of just happened to me as I lingered between death and hope.

The second part of my process was "Priming the pump" which means to prepare for operation. When people used to have to get water from wells, they would have to prime the pumps manually, which means putting forth some amount of effort. Honesty does not come about without some effort. What worked for me may not work for someone else, but I concentrated on prayer, reading the bible and fasting. It was through these disciplines that I was able to have an open and honest reflection of my life. In fact the prayer part was always interesting, because many times I would scream my prayers. Through all of these my spirit was awoken and my heart became satisfied by taking it into the mind of God.

Finally, I needed to the evidence. I'm a technical person who likes data. After processing things I felt a need to analyze and draw connections. How did I do that? well, through pondering, journal writing and finally just talking with others. In fact, I found that conversation with others is one of the best ways to figure out the path and the signs to look for on the way. I realized through the data that I wasn't meant to deal with my pain alone. If I was to learn I had to talk with other human beings. Of course this required some serious honesty and HUGE risk taking, because I was exposing my past and my shame. I truly believe that abuse was NEVER meant to be addressed in isolation.

Remember we were born with love…fear is something we learn.

Peace

God doesn't make crap!

2011-05-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

I had an awesome day today. I was reminded how much God loves me. I had the incredible opportunity to spend some time talking with a friend and sharing in each other's journey. One resounding theme that seemed to keep coming up in our discussion was self-acceptance. So, I thought I might share a few thoughts on it here.

Genesis tells me that we were all made in the image and likeness of God. If that's the case, why can't I grow a beard to save my life? ;)

I don't believe the message here is that we are supposed to be some sort of genetic twin with God. I think (world according to Andy) that the message really is that God created me out of love, and it's through this love that I can identify with Him. So this power to love, to love God, to love others, to LOVE OURSELVES, is really how I am like Him. Sometimes I forget that. I forget that God loved me so much he created me and that He sent His only Son to die for me. All for love.

So, if I am created in His image, then why do I struggle with self-acceptance. Why do I, like so many other people, rely sometimes on what others think and not necessarily on what I think or even better what God thinks?

The struggle that I have with self-acceptance is realizing that it's a journey, not a destination. I didn't just wake up today and say "I love myself" and that's that. Unfortunately, life has a way of beating us down, and I have to continue to walk that journey of self-acceptance. Some days it's good, other days not so much. In any given moment, I am either accepting myself or rejecting myself. So, where do I start?

Step 1: I ask myself "Who is this self that I'm accepting? Do I really know who I am?" I am more than just my experiences or how other people see me or the clothes I wear, right? So, answering this question honestly is a huge first step in the journey. Self-acceptance teaches me that I'm not who I think I am. It shows me that the more I judge myself, the less I understand who I really am. So, as I begin the journey, I usually start with this question.

Step 2: I recognize that self-acceptance is love, and my capacity to love myself determines my capacity to love everyone else. The less I accept myself, the more I tend criticize my friends & family.

Step 3: Understand the distinction between self-acceptance and self-improvement. Big difference. Self-acceptance is the belief that I am innately good, lovable just as I am, and that I have god-given talents. Self-improvement on the other hand actually starts with the belief that there's something lacking in me.

Back in the day, during the time I struggled with my depression, I actually refused to love and accept myself. I would tell myself that I'm not handsome enough, rich enough, loved enough, lucky enough, successful enough or anything-else enough. No amount of time in the gym, reinventions or diets would do the trick. Deep down, I still felt like a nobody, but only because I was identifying with the self-image rather than with who I really am. I felt exiled from myself.

Step 4: Don't exile yourself. Without self-acceptance, I feel exiled from myself, experiencing the world as an unfriendly universe. Life feels like hard work, a big struggle, with obstacles everywhere.

Step 5: Realize that Self-acceptance is my home. It is where I return to find myself again. Accepting myself for who I really am helps me increase my overall trust in life. The more I accept myself, the more I trust that innate goodness and natural intuition.

I've found that the more I accept myself, the more I trust that life doesn't just happen to me; it happens for me.

Listen to the song below :)

Peace.

Are you a peacemaker or a peacekeeper?

2011-05-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9

I find myself more often than not being a peacekeeper instead of a peacemaker, especially at home. Sometimes I like confrontation, but more often than not I try to avoid it, and try to "make the peace". This week, I am going to try to embrace confrontation to make peace, and not try to avoid it.

Thanks to Craig Groeschel for the inspiring words.

Peace!

Where do you find the want to live again?

2011-05-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a question. This came across in txt this morning and totally took me by surprise. It also provoked in me a need to put some thoughts down here on my blog. To be honest with you, I don't have a particularly good answer, even if there is such a thing, but I will do my best to frame the question through my own lens.

When I was…scratch that…When I am confronted with this question I really struggle with it. Mostly because I'm so focused on the moment. The emotional storm that's raging inside me, that I can't see beyond the tears. I can't seem to remember that there's something beyond me. I become withdrawn. I become only focused on me, and that's where the problem starts. If all I know is my own anger and pain how can there be any hope. So what do I do? If I continue to focus on the past, how can I live my life?

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller

Things That I do:

Step 1: Write. I keep a journal. Sometime I put my thoughts in this blog, but most times it's just a private journal. There's something very freeing about getting all of my thoughts on paper, and releasing some of that tension. It's like purging the negativity.

Step 2: Forgive. I gotta say, I choke on that word everytime I say it, but I say it nonetheless. While forgiving others of the pain they caused me is difficult. Sometimes, the most difficult part is to forgive myself.

Step 3: Trust. Understanding that my past experience doesn't mean I will continue to have negative experiences. I have to trust myself and in this journey.

Step 4: One Breath. Living in the present is huge, and exploring the present can sometimes really help me find ways of enjoying my life at the moment.

Step 5: Keep trucking. I try not to let the past dictate my future, so I keep walking. The past no longer exists, and by reflecting on it, I rob myself of the gifts that the present is offering me.

Step 6: Pray! This really is my step 1, but I wanted to save it for last because I think it's so important. Again, this is the "world according to Andy" and this may not work for you, but I gotta tell you, praying is so important to my well being and my ability to find the want to live. Praying restores my hope. Praying helps me with all the other steps. When I focus on Jesus and God, I find the strength to forgive and to trust. Of course if you read my witness, you know that I give Jesus all of the credit, He truly saved my life. When I find myself asking this question again, I pray, and He reminds me of His love.

So, no real answers, just what helps me. I hope some of this is useful. Remember to never give up hope. You don't know what's around the corner and it could be something spectacular.

To my dear friend who asked the question, know that you are loved and that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Listen to the song below. Empty by Ray LaMontagne.

Peace.

Why do we suffer? pt.2

2011-04-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

In part one I spoke about how there’s no “real” answer to the question of why do we suffer. I also talked about looking to the bible as a way to frame the question in the context of God. If you read Part 1, then you’ll know that I don’t really subscribe to the idea of a punishing or vengeful God as found in the Old Testament, nor do I discount the Old Testament. However, I put it in context with the New Testament, and understand that Jesus changed everything.

As I read through the many books and passages, the picture becomes a little clearer on why we suffer. The most helpful theme being the belief that God can accompany me in my suffering. That it’s ok, even healthy to lament this suffering before God. It’s still a mystery, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be in relationship with God during these times. Can I try to emulate the patient way that Jesus faced suffering? Could Jesus, who had suffered intensely in his life be, through my relationship in prayer with him, someone understands my trials, (small though they may be), and accompany me in them? I believe so.
My belief is that God does in fact accompany us through times of pain. For me it holds true. When I finally accepted the reality of suffering, small signs of hope became apparent. You can read my witness on my site to find out my story of pain, but understand that I was at the lowest point in my life and I had 2 choices, stay or leave this earth. It was in that vulnerability, in that brokenness that I met God in new and unexpected ways. Perhaps when we are in this state we are more open to God’s presence. When our defenses are down, when we have nothing left, we are more open.

This doesn’t answer the “Why?” of suffering, nor does it “explain” suffering, but it can sometimes be part of the overall experience.

But my suffering is small as compared to the immense suffering of those in Japan today, whatever suffering I have experienced is infinitesimal.

Another important point to realize is, my suffering is not yours. Nor are my own perspectives on suffering meant to be yours. I believe that everyone must find their own personal path to God, as well as find their own personal perspective on suffering. And while the collective wisdom of the community is a great resource, the platitudes offered by otherwise well-meaning believers as quick fix answers are often unhelpful.

I believe those easy answers actually short circuit the process for deeper reflection. I’m always suspicious of easy answers on suffering. I heard a story once of an elderly nun who was living at a retirement home. One day the woman’s religious superior came to visit. The elderly nun began to speak about how much pain she was enduring. “Think of Jesus on the cross,” said her superior.

The elderly nun replied, “Jesus was only on the Cross for three hours.” You can see from this story that easy answers usually do more harm than good.

A good friend of mine is an Atheist, and yes he is a good friend believe it or not. After the devastation in Japan he asked me “Where the hell is your God?” It was perhaps the most difficult discussion I’ve had with him. In essence, I answered that God was with them in their suffering. I actually believe that God is devastated by what happened. Look at how God groans the loss of Isaiah, and the story of Jesus who wept at his best friends tomb. God was not standing outside our pain, but was and is a companion within it, holding us in His arms, sharing our grief and pain.

When we are suffering, our friends will want to help us make sense of our pain, and they will often offer answers like; “You are truly blessed because God only sends crosses to those who can bear them.” Or “This suffering is a glorious building block for their mansion in heaven when they die.” More simply they might just say it’s a mystery that simply needs to be accepted, almost unthinkingly. Some of these answers may work for us, but I find that answers like these tend to leave people cold, or even be offensive.

Like I said above, in the end, each if us must come to grapple with suffering ourselves. While the bible and traditions provide us with important resources, we need to find an approach that enables us to confront pain and loss honestly with God.

For most of us, suffering is indeed a “mystery” but it shouldn’t be something we ignore. We should engage it with all our mind, heart and soul.

Peace.

Why do we suffer? pt.1

2011-04-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

With everything that has happened in Japan over the last few weeks, I've been reflecting on the age old question of Why do we suffer? This one question seems to spawn a million other questions and very few answers.

This is such an immense question that has puzzled all believers for thousands of years. The question itself is typically framed differently. I don’t usually hear, “Why do we suffer?” I hear “How could a good God allow suffering?” and when we are faced with REAL suffering, it seems the best answer maybe “We don’t know.” In fact if somebody offers you an answer they are probably a liar or a fool, and have probably never faced any real suffering. Let’s face it, it seems no answer could completely satisfy us.
I sometimes struggle with the fact that my belief in God is a belief in a God whose ways will always be mysterious to me. Rabbi Daniel Polish puts it succinctly…”I do not believe in a God whose will or motives are crystal clear to me. And as a person of faith, I find myself deeply suspicious of those who claim such insight.” He then goes on to quote Rabbi Abraham Heschel, “To the pious man knowledge of God is not a thought within his grasp…” This is the greatest challenge of faith, says Polish, “to live with a God we cannot fully understand, whose actions we explain at our own peril.”

So, while I cannot seem to find any answers to this question, especially in light of the last few weeks and the amount of suffering that has occurred, I can offer some perspectives that are firmly based in my faith and belief.

Where do I start? Well, I always believe that I should start with the Word of God, the Bible. As I look to the bible and begin to study it, I find it at best wanting and at worst unhelpful. You see there’s conflict there, and different perspectives on suffering. If I read the Old Testament, I find that suffering seems to be associated with punishment for ones sins (or an ancestor’s sins). Now I gotta tell you, this makes no sense to me in the face of innocent suffering, especially when it comes to terrible illness or a natural disaster, like the earth quake and tsunami in Japan. I can’t sit here and believe that a small child with cancer is being punished for his or her “sins”. Does anyone actually believe that God “caused” natural disasters in order to punish innocent Japanese in small fishing villages?

That’s a monstrous image of a vengeful and cruel God, and certainly one that I don’t subscribe to.
As I move beyond the Old Testament to the New, I find that Jesus rejects this image of God. As I read the Gospel of John, and read the story of the man who was born blind (John 9:2), I realize that Jesus completely reject this notion of the punishing God.

Jesus’ disciples ask him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
Jesus replies, “It was not this man who sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be made manifest in him.” And he heals him.

This notion of a loving, mysterious God is what I believe and the truths that are found in the New Testament have been extremely useful in my own life during different periods of suffering and pain.
In Part 2, I’ll discuss what that belief of mine is and how it’s helped me deal with suffering and pain in my life. Stay tuned…

Peace.

Am I quick to listen? or quick to anger?

2011-03-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ~ James 1:19

I was reading this passage tonight. A passage that I've heard a hundred times before, and for the first time my focus shifted. I realized that every time I've either read it or heard it preached, the emphasis always seemed to be on the last part "...slow to get angry."

Tonight, I find myself focused very intently on that first part "…quick to listen" How great would that be. I'm definitely at fault on this one. In this digital world we live in, this is something very hard to do. When I'm running at a fast pace, txting and emailing, sometimes I find it very hard to actually stop and focus and listen. I mean I hear people, but do I really listen? and more importantly, am I quick to listen? or do I get frustrated and impatient because I was just interrupted, which by the way leads to the whole "quick to anger" thing.

I need to work on this one, especially with the people I love and care about.

Peace.